║today my way║: September 2013

10/30 - MY BEST FOUR YEARS, IF YOU ASK ME

Don't mind me making my baby little older when I say about four year motherhood experience and joy it brings. I wanted to share my birth story at some points during my virtual existence but it never seemed right or thought out enough so I didn't. Until now. After four years of a being mum. Her mum.

I knew I wanted to have children even prior to my ovaries producing any eggs (maybe I exaggerate a little but that's so true, I was a mama before I knew it). Growing older I imagined having large family of at least four (!) heirs/heiresses (was it an influence of being The Kelly Family fan?) and most ideally having son as my first born. Little Staś (Stanislav) would be a resemblance of my brother with his blonde locks and deep blue eyes chasing his shadows on the polished floors of my house. I fell in love with my husband and it would feel obvious that we'd have had child(ren) straight away. But through our foreign journeys, settling down abroad and generally getting ready for the life ahead together we spent six years as a twosome. This is a long time for somebody who loves children and hoped to have their own. We kind of hibernated and postponed the most beautiful outcome of a natural human (in love) behaviour. I tend to blame it on the circumstances we were surrounded by - renting a room or having a studio flat was not a proper accommodation to raise a child.

Trying for a baby and getting pregnant within two weeks or so of trying was beyond amazing. We just got married and wanted to fill up the air with giggles and our hearts with unconditional love for the life we were about to create. I was madly in love with all the signs of expecting - I looked out for tenderness in my breasts and popping out belly button (which in fact never did, big deal). I laughed at every hiccup within my growing body and chased each move of a serious kick. I didn't mind stretch marks (not so sure now) or leg cramps, even heartburn was okay. They all come and go. I was invincible, my body was determined to perform as its best to bring me the most wonderful miracle I could ever dream of. Soon after my pregnancy status was confirmed I had a premonition I was carrying a little doll. Teenage longing for a son has been replaced by an unimaginable yearning to put every effort in raising a happy, strong (not mistaken for stubborn), spreading creative juices girl. Seems strange after years of picturing myself savouring tight gripped hugs of a boy, combing his golden locks and go flying kites in the clear sky. I guess it's got a lot to do with me preserving moments of my early childhood in a girlie notebook thanks to emotionally drained at times conversations with my mum about a whirlwind of good and adverse affairs which have created my first perception of how to communicate with the world and others and which made me a chatty, happy and smart little girl no matter what was happening around. I wrote about that girl in an attempt of giving her much delayed approval and support. So I guess I've fallen in love with the idea of being given an opportunity of having a little girl myself and taking up every second of my time to make up for all the things my upbringing has lacked and many more beautiful things that has been brought along with it.

At first I wanted to be surprised by the baby's sex (I felt we humans live in a world of wanting/needing predictability in every area of our lives so we keep surprises to a freaking minimum. Even weather is no longer a surprise these days.) I decided - we would meet our muffin the day it will be ready to maximize space in my belly. The evening before the twenty week scan when we could find out the sex I took a warm bath. At the back of my head I was still battling with myself whether getting to know the sex would be a good decision. And then I felt it for the first time, a tiny move, not even a kick (those she left for later), just like a scuff on the side. Did she know what was going on in my head so she could react to it, help me make up my mind, let me know she wanted to be greeted tomorrow and talked to with female adjectives? Why wouldn't I want to find out when I had the greatest opportunity to do so? I was overjoyed to soon get to know my baby: what would she look like, when will her personality show through? So I found out who was poking me right from within saying 'hello'. A mummy's girl, Little Pumpkin as I used to call her when she stayed safe, close (and hiccupy). The happiest and most challenging 40 weeks of my life abounded in sweet Nutella taste, laughter from tiniest of things, no sickness at all (thank you, Heavens!) and filling up wardrobe with dresses and tops of one tenth of my size. I stopped working two weeks before I got to see my feet again to nice lazy fortnight of pacing slowly around the house and close neighbourhood in the low streaks of late September sun. Name chosen, hospital bag packed, birth plan memorized.

A birth story cut short (for the space purposes): on baby's due date everything started as described in books for frightened mamas preparing for the eventful moment. My waters broke, contractions were getting stronger and more and more closer apart. Impatiently waiting for hospital admittance in a bath tub full of warm water to speed up the progress of labor as advised by the midwife I actually found myself to feel the urge to push. And so it started... in my own bathroom. I barely got dressed between two-three minutes apart contractions, jumped on the rear seat of my car (jumped, ha! you wish) and was driven to the hospital to meet my baby girl. We made it to the delivery room on time, an hour later (yes, most of the labor happened in my bath tub which left me really cross with the English system of keeping women at home as long as possible to avoid long labors on the spot. The positive outcome of nearly having her delivered at home? No epidural (just gas and air, rarely used), no episiotomy, quick and natural (no forceps or vacuum) delivery. I shouldn't be so ungrateful after all) at 1.31 pm I held her for the first time. Physically exhausted and surgically abused (stitched) I've started a new chapter in my life. Nadia Dolores has proven to be worth the pain, tears and dizziness (gas and air). She was there to get entwined with hugs, kisses and mama's first whispers into tiny ears.

I've spent the best four years of my life with you, little Miss Nadia. x

^^ This post is part of my 30 day Blogging challenge asking simple question whether the participant wants to have children or if has any. As I've already answered this question before, I thought a little story about a miracle being materialized in my arms is an unexpected but sweet option for a post. Do you agree? ^^

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September surprises me like no other month. Days are getting shorter while we're still engaged in daily occurrences, drinks are getting warmer, walking speed increases while the wind is trying to convince me from all sides to walk tall and gracefully. September brings unexpected sneezing episodes at most inappropriate times and places that it is always a mystery to me if they are exhaustion-related colds or too-late-to-the-game-wrapping-up kind of colds. Yes, I play this little game with myself each autumn to winter of how late into the spell my first cold of the season appears. And I mean a super snotty, feverish pants sweating with breath coming in heavy swirls. Then I'll know the cold front is upon us. But each year it comes sooner than I anticipate or can barely cope with the idea of losing at the game. Each year my ballet pumps stay on bare feet for too long while chunky knits await the glorious day I'll check what is going on in my closet (already pushed far to the bottom of my to-do list). Soon enough I'll be sick and sneezing anyway but you know, that's life.

I woke up to a dreary autumn-y day today deciding on inviting my friend for a chill out afternoon with a coffee and a bit of an argument as to raising babies. Then her visiting mum helped me to rearrange wildly growing plant which she called a weed and hardly believed it would survive without enough light for long. It has so far, hasn't it little dude? And don't call my plants weeds as I'm working on it. Work in progress should never be underestimated. The rain didn't clear up for an afternoon walk so we chilled some more at home with Sponge Bob and hot sweet drink in hand.

Tiny candles surfaced all over my desk get along with red fairy lights tangled around its legs grandly. When the gray descends my flat is right cozy and tells a fabulous colour story way before all the festiveness begins. Because the forecast shows rain for the next few days and I won't mind it a bit in my dear little nook of parts and pieces, light and shades.

Happy Friday the 13th!

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Pet lunch box: IKEA

At twelve forty we marched through the colourful corridor positively demonstrating collection of backpacks and pairs of shoes that would inspire any kid store surprising me with a school ready child. The one that cried her eye lashes out and refused joining tuneless activities in person. The very lonesome one mildly entertained by the company of Disney toys at the only table by the crafty wall. By the second afternoon she seemed to be adjusting so well the transition from all day at home to a half day at school has definitely had no effect on her. As it had on me. See that collection of jeans? You guessed it, it's me sitting on the bench twenty steps away from the kindergarten waiting impatiently to call Nadia any minute to check how she's doing instead of walking away and enjoying the sunshine on my very own! Or head home and clean the flat top to bottom even if it's not gonna last. The possibilities were endless and time on my side.

So I sat there checking all the important websites and what my friends were doing, sending text messages and staring aimlessly at the hotel behind me and people parking their cars, walking their dogs and spitting on the curbs (incredibly amusing) but it haven't occurred to me to get up and stop occupying the public space. On the second day I had a granola yoghurt on that bench. So glad I moved away for good before engaging in more relaxed activities but I'm still figuring out who's taken my space and if I should bring him lemonade to keep him refreshed in those last hot days. Back to school. We are still completing a lot of things (placing name tags on all surfaces imaginable because it's mandatory. And mostly fun.), planning lunches with our favourite products, looking through pages upon pages of autumn clothes although Nadia isn't really in desperate need of cooler weather clothes. Maybe a pair of sneakers. And plain leggins. So hello kindergarten, hello autumn, hello looking after yourself big girl. I can see you carrying your blue backpack on your big day trying to memorize every passing moment so I can never lose it from view. I'm proud you're doing so well that sharing your sweet presence is becoming bearable. And it's your birthday soon and we can't wait.

^^ Happily catching up on our favourite cartoons. We're excited for school but still cherish our time together. I hope it will never change.^^

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Top: Atmosphere, Pencil skirt: Asos, Sandals: Next

...Shopping till dropping, we'll never miss out on that. Being last customers to leave after two hour rack moving experience we'd be devastated to find out we missed some departments...

...Recently I bought so many clothes and accessories with leopard print I might sign up people for private safari. Wild hidden nature is coming out...

...Spending days outdoors and not seeing all the mess at home...

...When fridge magnets are missing from the fridge, I admit my reflexes to stop Nadia from hiding them (mostly from chipping or breaking) are alarmingly slow...

...Delayed reading my favourite magazine then started absorbing it passionately a day before new issue was due...

...Wasn't ready to cut my hair when favourite hairdresser worked just a few blocks away. I'm ready when he is no longer there...

...Coming home from work on a Saturday evening dreaming of my bed while seeing all those people dressed up and partying on the streets. How my priorities have changed...

...You realize you're a mum when you hear your baby's first heartbeat but everyone else does when she throws a tantrum in the shopping mall and there's nothing you can do about it for at least five minutes...

...Having a tea break at work and reading today's horoscope: "Your biggest challenge today is finding the right balance between work and play." I've just passed the first two hours of being at work, thanks for reminding me I'm sealed to this place for the rest of the day...

...Does reading blogs come close to reading books?...

...Used the best creams on the market thanks to my monthly magazine...

...My love affair with English language: I look for new words more curiously than for blackheads on my face...

...Catching spiders into a transparent box before releasing to teach Nadia respect all earthy creatures to my nervous breakdown she might accidentally drop it and let them escape...

...How many family birthdays and anniversaries have we missed due to living abroad? How many cakes and alcoholic beverages? May we always remember to ask for replacements...

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