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║today my way║


If I was a single man and wanted to plunge into seeing whoever I dared in such a way we imagine folk do, keeping up with my adventures would prove impossible. I know what I'm saying as I behave just so... in befriending a new person. Some friendships are formed naturally and nobody truly remembers who waved first or who was in charge of selecting peak time activity like the best coffee in the most crowded sitting area. As adults we just pick up the first, least embarrassing option to act as boldly and confidently as sweating palms let us and trust that the choice was right. But it's not the choice of local bench or size of latte we should discuss -- how do you know that this typical individual is perfect for a snack out while also your meal will be a surprise? That's why new friendships rarely come about in our 30s. Clueless how to begin a conversation - to joke or throw a heartfelt story one afternoon wouldn't contain its culminating point? This is really a ride for the bravest.

I met this woman while putting entirety of Nadia's pre-loved clothes on sale. She responded to an add in anticipation to release us from years and years of once promising bundle of fabrics for a future baby girl. Shorter than me with dark hair and pleasant appearance stayed a little longer than rummaging through vibrant colours and exchanging money would take. On her way out (still chatting up overly optimistically) I skipped every element of formality and just let this thing come out of my mouth to my slight silent disbelief. I actually asked her if she would want to come over for coffee (or latte or a slice of whatever is nearly going bad in my pantry) after my baby is born. It might be kind of dangerous to let things like that slip out of my mouth so easily but I could let that bother me or outline our first meeting in tiniest details instead (our daughters could play together while we'll catch up on our last fifteen years of life). She was as eager to see me as I thought she would be. We didn't exchange telephone numbers but we know where to find each other. And later that day after asking her if her girls liked what she got them as there's no such thing as having too many girlie stuff -- she offered to come at the end of the week to bring me a basket of fresh, hand-picked strawberries as an act of gratefulness. And believe me, those innocent strawberries once put at the counter level were the sweetest, the most carefully picked and placed for us to devour. They were gone before I could even blink. I am thankful for such small acts of human kindness I could barely have a dry eye. I'm so looking forward to get to know her or just run into her friendly face on the street. Head still spinning ;)

And to end this story as sentimental as I have intended it to be - I'm constantly on a lookout for people to bring as much joy to my life as I could offer to theirs. Simple 'hello' and 'how nice your distressed pair of mommy jeans are' work magic. And with my baby boy soon craving company of his age, I can see so many possibilities in meeting mums and their bunches of joy to our heart's content and expanding snack drawer.

Dress, Long sleeve top: Atmosphere, Bomber jacket: Next, Ballerinas: H&M
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Time for the favourite this season - lots of juicy, colourful appearance on our plate. I guess this rainbow of vitamins could easily be scattered into pretty porcelain bowls separately so that everyone would head for their own preferred snack but would that be fun? Not so much. So one Saturday when time slowed down for a bit I decided to surprise the bunch I call my family by attempting to create something different from simple ingredients eaten in abundance in a week. Everyone loves pizza, this time the beautiful weather called for lighter version of this delicious dish so I gathered familiar fruit varying in taste, hue and shape and after cutting it neatly all was placed on the round face of a slice of a watermelon. Every inch of pizza without heating up the oven!


Kids were in heaven waiting for something magical to appear on their plates and then eating it whole or piece by piece savouring each bit. It made my whole weekend. Hands were sticky and sweet, busy from piling handfuls of blueberries into their mouths. No slice or juicy chunk was ignored. And I guess, as much fun as I attempted to spread around I felt I had the most wonderful time myself. Seeing everybody excited and jumping at a chance to share my idea was something I'm itching to try more often this summer (with a squishy baby attached to my hip!). It's so easy to create an extraordinary thing out of plain and barely exciting. I'm pretty sure this pizza rocked without shame. x



►► See what I mean? Now most of their time spent in the backyard is made of snacking. Will I be thanked for that? ;)
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If you're reading this I most probably be entering the next chapter of our lives. In a white, long shirt-like nightie and without a lick of colour on my face (only from exhausted pushing) I'm most probably holding a baby I've impatiently awaited an arrival of. Maybe somewhere in my mind I'm rushing through to the first labour experience or too restless to sleep I'm wrapping myself tight in those exact sweet moments after the painful and already forgotten when all that matters is a tiny body held still semi-efficiently while learning new face features, smells and sounds savouring each crease of a body I've carried for this world. Button of a nose, soft cheeks rubbing my skin... short on words I'll stay tightly wrapped up in this moment of bliss and dream I have created.

I do have posts scheduled for those quiet, dreamy moments I will not be able to switch my computer on so do stick around for some fun and nice visuals. You're all incredible and I have so many stories to tell you, it's indeed an unthinkably exciting time. xx

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Waiting - I've just realized - can be a blessing, I think I'm allowed to type. While I have been feeling all sorts of emotions lately, the nervous anticipation of what kind of labour I will go through is what exactly I haven't thought of. Being late to taking first deep breath, my baby boy is letting me take advantage of a rainbow of feelings due to my embarrassing impatience (with some amount of frustration appearing once in a way) that labour rarely crosses my mind. Awesome, right? I'd rather visualize first milky breaths and toothless yawns, put our first trips to the beach in the centre of my mind naturally avoiding images consisting of a birthing pool, hospital bed and the Entonox machine I used before with such ease and no spectacular results. The overload of what's here and now helps me to avoid drilling into unanswerable questions, fear and possible complications. I prefer to look beyond noticing the little things like my grey roots I will not have a chance to tackle straight away or nail varnish that is getting bothersome by the day.

 Just this morning all my vivid visions conceived in a hazy insomniac state were nothing but tons of images of a sweet tiny body clung to my milky breasts and soft slip worn under as opposite to midwives scurrying around in panic. Just snuggling, connecting, feeling blessed.

If energy permits I'll end the day with some fresh pineapple as everybody kindly suggests and maybe this well-known natural way of speeding up labour will bring our precious boy home. x

Dress: Atmosphere, Trench: La Redoute, Handbag: H&M, Ballerinas: George
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If this was my first pregnancy I'd be going crazy because this time it has definitely been challenging me greater than almost 7 years ago even if I'm skipping summer months. If this was little known experience I'd go insane from happiness but soon try and find ways to survive the good portion of it. If this was my first, it would also be my only.

Having only good experiences with carrying Nadia, I assumed I'm bound to feel fantastic each time I may be a mama. Why would it be otherwise? Not much has changed in my body, just more wrinkles appeared and grey hair arrived, all the good stuff we're lucky to experience by this lifetime. My hips were pretty obvious but still played it cool in classic black and higher heels. I kept being physically active while didn't avoid local cafes and occasional pleasures of junk food. Little did I know it takes a lot more to determine how a pregnancy will go. For this time everything was happening at once - work, school runs, driving lessons, nausea, hormone imbalance, a six year old and her spontaneous challenging extravagance. Harmoniously. The concept was the same, the reality shook it up. 

Nadia came on her due date with book-like symptoms from waters breaking and contractions intensifying regularly. Too easy to have the same mission twice. So being 6 days overdue and less than excited about it I'm occupying my mind with whatever. And there is a lot of it (I only try to avoid looking at the clock, counting hours) - plots and episodes my bookshelves are heavy from, piles of Nadia's new summer clothes needing their tags removed, creases smoothed and maybe being shown around in quick twirls and bounces. Not getting right to it, but there's more - finishing stories scheduled for after tomorrows, rolling up sleeves and getting those windows sparklingly clean, lingering on Instagram for way too long. I could even start taking before and after pics for no obvious reasons but fun. The trick is of course to focus on all the silly stuff, to lose myself in small pieces of a day.





 In between setting myself unconventional projects while waiting I don't avoid fresh air, weekends are therefore the icing on the sugar-loaded cake. Seaside awakening from months of dreariness, local paths, meadows and parks sit on my end-of-week list of places to waddle to. Suit me more than fine as you can witness. I just need more outfit ideas and probably a couple more staples in supporting my growing bump and nearby features affixed to it. It's simply becoming an ongoing leaving-house problem when choosing what to slow pace in. This particular day was exceptionally beautiful in terms of company and weather. Armed with relaxing read, sun block, badminton rackets and lots of hydrating equipment we could stay there for more than several games and do so much cooler things while done with many others. I slept like a baby afterwards though soothing aching calves never stops. But soon it will, I know that. x
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It's not one of those sunny, perfectly planned days although those pictures can fool. I'm still pregnant, exactly 4 days overdue according to my already faded memory as to my last period waddling back and forth and it affects my mood, my clothing choices, daily activities. But I'm OK for most parts, waiting is such a blessing if there is somebody or something to be awaited for. Yet my head spins too easily, too easily it absorbs all that I try to steer away from, at least for now.

I came here to tell you I am not ordinary. It will never be so when others win trying to mold me, squeeze me into space I could exist to their standards. I've been in tears for the past few hours, I smiled in between, managed to help Nadia create a pretty baby cot mobile to decorate her brother's cotbed not knowing where else to place my focus. My stubbornness is quiet and my ideas take time to materialize, so far it's been tolerable. I know I avoid terms and escape stereotypes, my heart races ten times in an hour alone, it cannot be tamed. Today I realized it can be a problem for others, the unpredictability, the unknown, this head floating high in the clouds when the world is hardly answering our basic, existential needs. By loud hints and clues (hence the tears) I was reminded life is better when it's predictable, calm and lacking surprises. Life is meant to be enjoyed in between work, paying taxes and swearing in road traffic. You'd better embrace it, baby.

I came here today to tell you I am different. I could never stop loving what I'm loving, don't ask me to postpone my heart in dressing up this life in the best of clothing. This heart will never settle on ordinary no matter how much simplicity and authenticity I crave. I am a rolling stone, untamed animal, I need to be doing things your best friend and your mama never did or thought of. I'm trying to look at things as opportunities, good challenges and if there's a lot of rain in it, I know there's also a lot of sun in it too. Obstacles are future joys especially while the fire in me is still alive.

If marriage has taught me anything, it's that love comes in different shades and we all have our own visions of an amazing life. Have I learned today my vision escapes the widely accepted and approved, that it creates chaos and plants disturbance? Holy llama, I guess I haven't followed so it caught it me off guard. And as this boy is firmly planning to keep me pregnant for at least another week I shouldn't be focused on such hard topics but restocking our snack pantry.

In closing -- we're only as interesting to ourselves and others as we are true to our own selves. I don't intend to change so don't even take the mold out of the cabinet. You see, I still haven't figured out the shape myself.
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At a silly young age four kids was the number I'd enforce on any man with a serious dating attitude. Two boys and two princesses or three little mermaids and a sailor. My mind was made up. I might not have realized it at a time but following this dream hasn't gone through filters like the right time, right age or simply right mindset to raise this bunch. Now into my more mature self, I look back and breathe heavily. How easy is it to throw ideas in the air while you're young and not yet in love? To have everything figured out on your 17th birthday, together with the salary, first car and names of your offspring? What a confidence in the future self, what a well written plan. Whether it has something to do with age or compromises adulthood is never short of -- those vulnerable, familiar ideas tend to shift from loud and proud to altered phrase of creating balance between the young self's vision and the one's that's in the picture now although I love both in a weird way. Four shrinks to two while those fabulous names once dear to your heart, well... you may never look at them the same way again.

So what about the expectations of a fairytale life? They're beautiful and wroth pursuing yet... trying to achieve it and much more in late 30s is different to what could have been a decade ago if only universe would have aligned perfectly. If babies never came once one was ready, how to transition the need elsewhere not getting trapped in the impossible dream? In this dream motherhood is beautiful and there are no rules but many options to choose from to feel completely happy and magical. What a great dream to hold dear and tight within one's heart. Yet, what if a woman happens to be in her 40s and beyond, full of hope and faith because one shouldn't give those up? Should she still consider herself breastfeeding one day or daydream of a perfect labour pain relief option? When holding onto a dream becomes merely an echo tucked deep down it almost loses its meaning?

I knew I would have not chosen to be pregnant beyond 35th birthday. I could have still debated and maybe sat on the fence for a month or two but my decision would have proved the latter. Realizing numbers on a birthday cake coming faster each year, I knew I had to make this choice - now or never. Knowing my body and its limitations, my habits and routines, I went for it. Now, before hitting the big 35. Everybody is different, everybody knows their own boundries and it's so uplifting to learn yet, where does one draw the line? How do you know you still have a while to go before locking the door for good? Is 35th birthday a good deadline? What if yours is pushed a few years on and still works? I don't know. And I shouldn't really as I'm only in charge of my life, mysterious in its making but truly mine. We all need to assess our own capabilities to grow a family in our own hearts and minds. Anyway happy families don't overly calculate, do they?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on late motherhood if you happen to feel like telling me your story. x

Dress: Atmosphere, Shirt: E S P R I T, Tights: Vertbaudet, Pumps: H&M
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I'm Eli, an optimist in training collecting an awful lot of ballet pumps and spending too much time admiring the sea. You'll find me writing about the joys of parenting, fashion, simple pleasures that all together create a beautiful life. xx

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