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║today my way║

























If this was my first pregnancy I'd be going crazy because this time it has definitely been challenging me greater than almost 7 years ago even if I'm skipping summer months. If this was little known experience I'd go insane from happiness but soon try and find ways to survive the good portion of it. If this was my first, it would also be my only.

Having only good experiences with carrying Nadia, I assumed I'm bound to feel fantastic each time I may be a mama. Why would it be otherwise? Not much has changed in my body, just more wrinkles appeared and grey hair arrived, all the good stuff we're lucky to experience by this lifetime. My hips were pretty obvious but still played it cool in classic black and higher heels. I kept being physically active while didn't avoid local cafes and occasional pleasures of junk food. Little did I know it takes a lot more to determine how a pregnancy will go. For this time everything was happening at once - work, school runs, driving lessons, nausea, hormone imbalance, a six year old and her spontaneous challenging extravagance. Harmoniously. The concept was the same, the reality shook it up. 

Nadia came on her due date with book-like symptoms from waters breaking and contractions intensifying regularly. Too easy to have the same mission twice. So being 6 days overdue and less than excited about it I'm occupying my mind with whatever. And there is a lot of it (I only try to avoid looking at the clock, counting hours) - plots and episodes my bookshelves are heavy from, piles of Nadia's new summer clothes needing their tags removed, creases smoothed and maybe being shown around in quick twirls and bounces. Not getting right to it, but there's more - finishing stories scheduled for after tomorrows, rolling up sleeves and getting those windows sparklingly clean, lingering on Instagram for way too long. I could even start taking before and after pics for no obvious reasons but fun. The trick is of course to focus on all the silly stuff, to lose myself in small pieces of a day.





 In between setting myself unconventional projects while waiting I don't avoid fresh air, weekends are therefore the icing on the sugar-loaded cake. Seaside awakening from months of dreariness, local paths, meadows and parks sit on my end-of-week list of places to waddle to. Suit me more than fine as you can witness. I just need more outfit ideas and probably a couple more staples in supporting my growing bump and nearby features affixed to it. It's simply becoming an ongoing leaving-house problem when choosing what to slow pace in. This particular day was exceptionally beautiful in terms of company and weather. Armed with relaxing read, sun block, badminton rackets and lots of hydrating equipment we could stay there for more than several games and do so much cooler things while done with many others. I slept like a baby afterwards though soothing aching calves never stops. But soon it will, I know that. x
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It's not one of those sunny, perfectly planned days although those pictures can fool. I'm still pregnant, exactly 4 days overdue according to my already faded memory as to my last period waddling back and forth and it affects my mood, my clothing choices, daily activities. But I'm OK for most parts, waiting is such a blessing if there is somebody or something to be awaited for. Yet my head spins too easily, too easily it absorbs all that I try to steer away from, at least for now.

I came here to tell you I am not ordinary. It will never be so when others win trying to mold me, squeeze me into space I could exist to their standards. I've been in tears for the past few hours, I smiled in between, managed to help Nadia create a pretty baby cot mobile to decorate her brother's cotbed not knowing where else to place my focus. My stubbornness is quiet and my ideas take time to materialize, so far it's been tolerable. I know I avoid terms and escape stereotypes, my heart races ten times in an hour alone, it cannot be tamed. Today I realized it can be a problem for others, the unpredictability, the unknown, this head floating high in the clouds when the world is hardly answering our basic, existential needs. By loud hints and clues (hence the tears) I was reminded life is better when it's predictable, calm and lacking surprises. Life is meant to be enjoyed in between work, paying taxes and swearing in road traffic. You'd better embrace it, baby.

I came here today to tell you I am different. I could never stop loving what I'm loving, don't ask me to postpone my heart in dressing up this life in the best of clothing. This heart will never settle on ordinary no matter how much simplicity and authenticity I crave. I am a rolling stone, untamed animal, I need to be doing things your best friend and your mama never did or thought of. I'm trying to look at things as opportunities, good challenges and if there's a lot of rain in it, I know there's also a lot of sun in it too. Obstacles are future joys especially while the fire in me is still alive.

If marriage has taught me anything, it's that love comes in different shades and we all have our own visions of an amazing life. Have I learned today my vision escapes the widely accepted and approved, that it creates chaos and plants disturbance? Holy llama, I guess I haven't followed so it caught it me off guard. And as this boy is firmly planning to keep me pregnant for at least another week I shouldn't be focused on such hard topics but restocking our snack pantry.

In closing -- we're only as interesting to ourselves and others as we are true to our own selves. I don't intend to change so don't even take the mold out of the cabinet. You see, I still haven't figured out the shape myself.
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At a silly young age four kids was the number I'd enforce on any man with a serious dating attitude. Two boys and two princesses or three little mermaids and a sailor. My mind was made up. I might not have realized it at a time but following this dream hasn't gone through filters like the right time, right age or simply right mindset to raise this bunch. Now into my more mature self, I look back and breathe heavily. How easy is it to throw ideas in the air while you're young and not yet in love? To have everything figured out on your 17th birthday, together with the salary, first car and names of your offspring? What a confidence in the future self, what a well written plan. Whether it has something to do with age or compromises adulthood is never short of -- those vulnerable, familiar ideas tend to shift from loud and proud to altered phrase of creating balance between the young self's vision and the one's that's in the picture now although I love both in a weird way. Four shrinks to two while those fabulous names once dear to your heart, well... you may never look at them the same way again.

So what about the expectations of a fairytale life? They're beautiful and wroth pursuing yet... trying to achieve it and much more in late 30s is different to what could have been a decade ago if only universe would have aligned perfectly. If babies never came once one was ready, how to transition the need elsewhere not getting trapped in the impossible dream? In this dream motherhood is beautiful and there are no rules but many options to choose from to feel completely happy and magical. What a great dream to hold dear and tight within one's heart. Yet, what if a woman happens to be in her 40s and beyond, full of hope and faith because one shouldn't give those up? Should she still consider herself breastfeeding one day or daydream of a perfect labour pain relief option? When holding onto a dream becomes merely an echo tucked deep down it almost loses its meaning?

I knew I would have not chosen to be pregnant beyond 35th birthday. I could have still debated and maybe sat on the fence for a month or two but my decision would have proved the latter. Realizing numbers on a birthday cake coming faster each year, I knew I had to make this choice - now or never. Knowing my body and its limitations, my habits and routines, I went for it. Now, before hitting the big 35. Everybody is different, everybody knows their own boundries and it's so uplifting to learn yet, where does one draw the line? How do you know you still have a while to go before locking the door for good? Is 35th birthday a good deadline? What if yours is pushed a few years on and still works? I don't know. And I shouldn't really as I'm only in charge of my life, mysterious in its making but truly mine. We all need to assess our own capabilities to grow a family in our own hearts and minds. Anyway happy families don't overly calculate, do they?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on late motherhood if you happen to feel like telling me your story. x

Dress: Atmosphere, Shirt: E S P R I T, Tights: Vertbaudet, Pumps: H&M
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Beach is unarguably the best place to walk for hours on end. It stretches beyond sight and if you're prepared for occasional blister or five, join the hike. I'm into my 40th, final week of pregnancy and although I've kept fairly busy throughout, this is the time I make no mistakes sitting on the couch for long. I may be a little weary today from all the walking but happy for the exciting news spreading out any minute now. I really wouldn't have it any other way - challenging my bump and introducing him to the active style I call my life. It may also encourage my little boy to greet us sooner than later so buzzing with energy that's still left I'm kicking my shoes off and head to the shore. It's been my go-to place whenever I felt I needed to think something over or get my emotions straight, even once I had plenty to do at home, taking a long beach walk made no harm in the long run. It calms me down, it does me good. Exhausts a little but never too much.

 Nadia loved running in front and leading the way, we followed her with attainable speed, sat near and watched her materialize ideas in sand. It was windy and bearably chilly, quite glorious to tell the truth. As I watched my girl being a happy child, so many thoughts rushed through my head - soon there will be a pushchair accompanying our every outing, learning how to avoid daily/town-assigned inconveniences like flights of stairs or high curbs, queues and so forth. Thankfully no bus rides for us anymore! Life with two, fast paced and wonderful. Have a great weekend friends! x
 





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There's no better feeling than doing things for the first time. You have to agree and support me here. Nothing like finding every reason in trying something new, exciting and probably expensive to start with but trying nonetheless. There's also the next time. Already prepared for what's to come with never-fading enthusiasm, getting second chance is pure magic.

First times are reserved for the senses, the rationality feeds on repetitions. Becoming mum again pretty much feels like dusting off well known regions that need slight polishing. Excitement prevails, life gets moving, the chance of going through familiar and never forgotten once more beats anything sour I crave right now. Sometimes it allows for things to be reviewed and made better as I know where was the struggle and why. Now I can figure out what I really want to commit to that will provide us a lifetime of happiness. It may be more or simply less, necessities of course and definitely all the amazing things I've been doing with success ;) I have a list of such things almost stashed in my hospital bag - activities we were too tolerant with Nadia (oh, screen time, I want to see less of you) and routines that got skipped almost regularly. Those I'd like to put more effort in. There are also things I will replicate in tiniest detail because we've nailed them and who can say otherwise? Our routine will match our needs, this time with a good dose of thought based on what we've learned through the years of parenting which is a major perk I must add. And also a work in progress as every child is different and each one individually inspiring. Each one brings an abundance of joy and worry, their own energy.

My parenting style (if I could call it so) is mostly laid-back, plentiful in tolerant acceptance, discovering the human in a child to let it shine awesomely through. There's lots of freedom of choice and creative approach, there's fun and bedtime after 9pm. Allowing a child to be a child - with a stained fabric and messy hair, knees covered in bruises and mud. Licking dirty window on a bus stays too. Explaining things as they are, the birds and the bees truly and efficiently banned. Being familiar with own body and its changes, loving it the way it's shaped and known. A really kid-friendly parenting style, low fuss one may add. This time, the sweet second time I get the chance to read more books and decrease screen time, to cook more efficiently from scratch and go out to enjoy more fresh air. To introduce topics way before the teachers suggest them as homework.

And on the contrary to the title, there won't be next time, for us this is it. Boy and a girl, perfect harmony with a touch of the surreal to begin with. Happy day, friends!


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Sun, good food and her last days of being an only child. I don't know this feeling when sharing is an option, I don't know life without company, my brother is only a year younger then me. When I look back I see mess I didn't necessarily make myself, I hear my name shouted loud in different tones, I recall mornings I woke up to a voice I will always recognize. And fights I was no stranger to almost daily. So when our every day will be so very different, I'm eager to witness Nadia transforming into somebody else, a big sister, companion and still a child that wants to play on her own, slow-paced, undisturbed for more than half the time. It will be a wonderful transition to witness yet one I'm not fully prepared for. Because what does one teach specifically about sharing, accepting and understanding after years of doing it occasionally and sometimes with a little more encouragement? I'm not so very worried about the sharing part too much though, Nadia is naturally kind and inclined to part with an object of interest almost willingly, what needs redefining is to maintain the space and pace that comes with it. Things will be removed, broken and crumpled. Things will disappear any hour of the day. She will not always be happy with it or accept it this way, she may act cool or totally opposite but I place trust in ourselves to figure it out as we go by.

We're about to introduce an element of the unknown to her. Well, all of us but mostly her. So far she's been totally into everything that comes with this change - talking about it and preparing for her brother's arrival gives her thrills. Her imagination bursts in ideas I could hardly think of the first time round, it feels so empowering knowing she's so in control. And maybe that's the answer to my worries and all? To leave her as much control over daily activities as reasonably possible so anything that shifts slightly aside be still fascinating and taste sweet without adding or taking too much away.

At times I want to freeze this time left to becoming a family of four, to savour her more and enjoy her presence to the silly brim. To shower her with attention not known to a child before. Yet I cannot wait to meet my little man, I refuse to postpone dreaming of those two turkeys meeting, getting to know each other and loving the way only siblings can.

Nadia is a sensitive girl with a big heart but sometimes she tries to cover her true feelings, heads to her bedroom and until I go after her to comfort, she'll be sat there overanalyzing her little worries. He may not understand it at first but walking after her trying to comfort her his way will always bring those two together. I am sure of that. I can picture Nadia smiling shyly then curling her feet on the bed to escape little hands trying to reach her, jumping away or helping him to the bed for some silly activity. It will be both awesome and overwhelming -- new life with a good deal of creative compromise and many opportunities to not take things too seriously. We are ready. x
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